Three years ago I made a decision to publicly share my personal experience of anxiety, how one particularly acute instance at work affected me and how the support I received had helped me. I was recently asked if I would share what had happened since then which I am doing here in the hope it can help other people.
After sharing my story I became a mental health advocate at PwC, where I am a partner. The mental health advocate network at PwC has since thrived and been a key factor in de-stigmatising mental health in my company.
I talked regularly with a counsellor, achieved better balance at work, and learned to accept that there would be challenges in future and to talk to people when problems started to build.
On a personal level, I continued to do many of things that had helped me maintain good mental health. I talked regularly with a counsellor, achieved better balance at work, and learned to accept that there would be challenges in future and to talk to people when problems started to build.
I enjoyed work more as a result, including the mental health advocate role which was helping other people. This also helped me gain a broader understanding of a range of mental health problems that others encountered. Outside of work, life had improved too - I already had great family and friends however in different ways many of these relationships became stronger.
Although I never said it to anyone, about a year ago I got to a stage where I believed some of the things I had been doing to keep myself well were no longer necessary and I pulled back on them. Unfortunately, this coincided with what ended up being a difficult six months. It is impossible to say whether one caused the other, however it led to the most painful period of my life...
Those six months saw a gradual but unpredictable decline in sleep, anxiety and mood. For the last two months I was averaging three hours sleep rather than my normal seven. Like a gambler who believes his luck will turn, I believed in a few days things would improve, however that never happened and I hit my limit shortly after a major event I had been focused on at work.
Thankfully the event went well, but with hindsight it really took its toll. I knew I couldn’t go on as things were - I was barely eating and had lost a stone in weight in 10 days. The thing that scared me most though was my outlook on life. Whilst I had briefly experienced low points in the past, this was on a different scale. I had lost any sense of enjoyment, I was terrified and, despite having caring friends and family, I felt alone. The core problem was that I had stopped talking and this prevented me from stepping back and seeing what was happening.
There were good and bad days but I learned to talk more regularly and openly with colleagues, family and friends - something that I know is also key to my continued good health in the future.
My wife, Sara, was a great support and she encouraged me to call my counsellor. We met the next day and what followed was an intense period of resting and meeting my counsellor regularly. I was prescribed sleeping pills by my doctor to help reset my sleeping pattern. I also made a decision to talk openly with my daughters about what was happening - they handled it very maturely and I am extremely proud of them.
Over the next month I gradually returned to work, where my colleagues were fantastic. There were good and bad days but I learned to talk more regularly and openly with colleagues, family and friends - something that I know is also key to my continued good health in the future.
By the end of the fourth month I was having extended periods of feeling like my old self, although infrequent off days really threw me and caused me to question whether I was actually making the progress I believed. This was my anxiety in action; I was scared that what I had experienced could come back again but I began to accept these days as a part of life’s natural ups and downs.
As I write this I have just passed the six month mark. Difficult days have been replaced by occasional difficult moments, which I believe is all part of the recovery process. I have come through the hardest part but I know it is impossible to not be affected permanently by such an experience.
I believe the effect it has had on me will be good for me in time and I can start to see how I am already changing some things in a positive way.
I believe the effect it has had on me will be good for me in time and I can start to see how I am already changing some things in a positive way.
I know I am prone to having anxious thoughts in certain situations. I can do things to manage that better, however it is part of who I am and it is important to acknowledge that it has also led to many good things in my life.
I know that despite my best efforts there will be times in future when I will not manage my anxiety as well as I would like, however there are again things I can do to deal with this when it happens, and being open to talking and listening to others will be key. I am very lucky to have great support to do that well.
Over the last three years society as a whole has moved a long way to be more accepting of mental health problems and all the signs are that this will continue. We are also talking more about diversity and inclusion which is important in the context of mental health too.
Last year I became chairman of This Is Me Scotland, a business-backed initiative which was launched to reduce the stigma around mental health in the workplace.
